dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
