I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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