We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
