this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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