I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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