so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
