just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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