and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
