we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
