I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
