The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
