...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
