I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
