My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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