so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
