My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
