i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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