I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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