the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
