i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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