I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
