I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
