Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
