I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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