I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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