I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
