I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
