Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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