Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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