I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
