Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
