He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
