I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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