I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
