She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
