why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
