Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
