Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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