who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
