You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
