Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
