OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
