My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
