I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
