Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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