Kiss
Puke
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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