The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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