you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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