her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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