I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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