I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
