Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
