I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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