you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We just shotgunned beers for America
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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