captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
