She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
