my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
