I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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