I wish I only lived at night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
