oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
