no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
