You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
