He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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