It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
