Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
