those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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