i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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