I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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