I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
